Tips and Tricks! (I have never loved the world more!)

That's actually a total LIE!

That thing is happening again! 

FREAK OUT, 

RUN HIDE! 

FIND A BOMB SHELTER TO OCCUPY!!!

(actually don't occupy...err...ehh...HIDE! that's the word)

Sorry I am okay now...back to the "thing"...yes.

Well every four years everyone in the US looses their fucking mind!

I mean completely looses it!

People are constantly fighting and yelling about being offended, people are unfriending each other  and the news is totally boring because nothing else in the world exists except for the up coming election...and don't even get me started on the people who canvas, yikes. It's totally insane.

But there is an end in sight!

November 6th!

So I say why not celebrate the end of this traumatic time of year with brunch!

(Well the end of most of it, there is still some lingering "I told you so" and,

 "I am totally moving to (any other country)" 

for a few months.

Any who I know brunch on a Tuesday is nuts but, people get time off for voting or play hookie anyways right?!

(I don't really know how this all works but....it doesn't really matter)

SO WHY NOT?!

Because emotions will be running high and people will be anxious about the impending doom/glory we will need to be sensitive.

So, as not to offend or bring up hot topics your guests will want to debate I
have come up with some foods to stay away from:

(you're welcome)

1. Eggs, because eggs are aborted chickens and that's going to offend everyone!

2. Any food that looks like or is code for a vagina.

3. Apples, teachers like apples and teachers make people think of education, class sized, and unions. On top of  all that if all Americans ate one apple a day we wouldn't need health care reform, or even doctors really. I guess. Never would I have expected doctors and teacher to cause so much trouble.

4. Any thing green, money is green...and no one has any money (except the rich people), because nobody has any jobs (except for rich people, or most of them anyways), and because of the lack of jobs and money people are having a hard time buying things and that hurts the economy, and that creates debt and that all leads to taxes...what a tangled web that is, best to just avoid it!

5. Lolli pops, because of the banks DUH!

6. Chicken, you don't want to remind people of that whole Chic-fil-A mess and in turn bring up the issue of same sex marriage, I would also stay away from anything that is rainbow colored, or wedding cake like.

7. Carbonated beverages, carbonated: carbon: carbon footprint: carbon emissions: alternative fuel: clean energy...BAM! See how dangerous that would be!

8. Game meat, why you may ask? Obviously because that shit is acquired by hunting and hunting involves guns, and we still aren't settled on the issue of weather guns kill people or if people kill people and until that is figured out the topic is bust avoided.

9. Avoid oatmeal, jello, canned vegetables, and stale hard candies, because that's old people food and you what old people are? No not, adorable reminders of a simpler time, full of stories and wisdom. A trigger for a lovely debate about Medicare and government spending...(I know it sounds crazy but go look at your twitter, do you really what that shit happening live in your home?)

10. No Mexican food! Actually it is best to stay away from all foreign foods, because the trifecta of all these little pointless debates is on the line! IMMIGRATION, FOREIGN POLICY and TERRORISM!

GASP!

...

You know now that I have this all laid out I don't know if we can make this work...

So let's abandon the whole idea all together (along with all hope)!

I will offer one last bit of advice for surviving (with at least half your sanity) interactions with other humans over the next few months:

Have,

Ear plugs and,

Alcohol on hand at all times, 

and if you must entertain my one food suggestion (the only non-offensive food):

FREEDOM FRIES!

Good luck! 

***Disclaimer***

Starting at the top, none off this should offend you, if it does I don't want to hear about it!

Also;

I find Freedom fries very offensive actually!

That's what I said asshole

 Ha that scene used to make us laugh so hard, we used to rewind it and watch it over and over.

(I don't remember much else from that movie, but I am sure it wasn't supposed to be as funny as I thought it was...oh well)

Anyways Joe and I bought a rotisserie chicken this weekend from the Shaws.

 (that's so unlike us, I know) 

Pinterest made me do it, it promised that you could make 37 different things from the leftovers!

(all of those things were gross...and we didn't have that much left over anyways)

So we had a little left over chicken and biscuits and NOTHING to do with them!

But never fear I came up with the best plan ever!

My brain was all like "make hack job Cracker Barrel Sunday brunch"

What does that even mean???

Well basically my two favorite CB brunch things are:

Chicken and mashed potatoes and biscuits and gravy!

So basically I would make country gravy with shredded rotisserie chicken in it and put it on biscuits make home fries and steamed spinach with bacon to go with?

I am so smart!

(so smart)

So the biscuits and chicken I already had (biscuits from a can obvi!)

If you don't have left overs and couldn't figure this out you will need biscuits and pulled chicken that's cooked

and for the gravy all you need is:

1/2 cup vegetable oil (I used the vegan butter we have...same thing basically)

2/3 cup flour

2 1/2- 3 cups milk

pinch of salt

and a lot of black pepper (I mean it doesn't have to be a lot but it should be!)

Make the home fries first and have them in the oven. (home fries)

Then for the gravy put the oil (or butter) in a large fry pan with the flour and cook on low heat stirring constantly until it thickens, bring the heat to medium and add milk slowly while stirring constantly until it looks gravy constancy (duh) let that boil when it does turn the heat back to low add salt pepper and chicken and cover stirring occasionally. If you can between all that stirring chop some bacon and cook it (if you can't that's fine just do it after), Now warm your biscuits in the oven, then in a pan with a lid put in your washed spinach that's still a little wet and the bacon steam on high hear for four to five minutes stirring once in a while. (I saved some bacon for Joe because he can't eat spinach). 

Then you are done! Open up the biscuit and scoop on the chicken gravy (I sprinkled bacon on top of Joe's) and load up the rest of the stuff on the plate, we had peaches and strawberry fruit salad on the side as well. 

It was good!

On to some sad news two (sucky) people were all like "It's so lame that brunch isn't a big deal in the US" and I am so not one to get all "USA! USA! USA!" but that made me a little mad it totally is! I have waited hours for brunch outside restaurants and it part of most holidays (or the day after holidays at least for my family) also I highly doubt that where they are from people eat brunch  every fuckin' weekend!

However, if this is the popular opinion then step it up my American (or those currently residing in the states) bitches!

Stop being lazy! 

MORE BRUNCH!

OH THE SAME! 

THE SHAME!

Okay I am done now. Bye-bye y'all.